What happens after school
Looking at these findings in detail, it is clear that communication can be full of difficulties and frustrations for both parent and child. Below are some tips to help you get talking with your child after school. We also give anxiety management tips for parents who may be pushing their children too hard for information – this can make it more difficult to discuss things with them, which in turn makes you even more anxious about school.
Talking with your child
- Build up your child’s conversation skills. If you’re not getting the answer you’re looking for from your children, maybe they need some practice in talking to people. Practising on you will make it easier for your children to make and keep friends. Show them that if you look at each other, and you look and sound friendly – that’s a good start.
- Avoid vague questions. For example, “How was school today?” won’t get you very far. For many children the question is too broad and they need a more specific question to help them remember their day. If you find out from school more about your child’s timetable, you’ll be able to get them talking about particular things they’ve done that day. You can find this sort of information easily via the school website or online learning platform, where you can see exactly what your child is getting up to each day.
- Avoid closed questions that can be answered in one word: “yes” or “no”. They shut conversation down rather than open it out.
- Sian, parent, Balsall Primary School, Coventry: “The school website is a lifeline for parents; it gives them access to their children’s learning and is the starting point for conversations with their teachers, and also with the children when they come home.”
- Make open-ended statements. “Tell me about the games you played at playtime today” or “Tell me the best bit of a story you heard at school today.”
- Ask open questions either directly (e.g. “That’s a fantastic picture of a volcano – tell me what is going on”) or indirectly (e.g. “I wonder what you had for lunch today.”) Questions like these open out conversation and encourage you and your child to swap and share experiences and ideas.
- Challenge them – get your child to tell you something by telling them you don’t think they can! “I bet you can’t remember who you played with today!” or “Three funny things happened to me today – I bet you didn’t get as many happen to you.”
Remember to encourage them
- Praise – make sure you praise them for achievements, however small. Even praise them for understanding when they have made a mistake or knowing that they could have tried harder.
- Encourage by nodding, smiling and making comments to show you are listening and enjoying what they are telling you.
Lead by example
- Tell them about your day too, so they can follow your lead. “I had a great day today.…” It is important to share your interests, friends, challenges and joys with your children so that they see what you mean by conversation.
- Talk about things you did – to show your children the kind of information you’d like to hear from them: “This is what I did today that I felt really good about. ...” “This is what I did today that was a little bit hard, but I did it anyway. ...” Then go on to ask your kids: “What was one thing that you did today that was hard (or fun) for you?”
It’s all about timing
- Give your child time to unwind. Think what you need after work. Just like you, children need time to relax and recharge after a long day at school. Try not to jump in with questions about school the moment your child gets home. You might even want to wait till meal-time – they may need that long to wind down.
- Take time at the meal table to talk about a good and bad thing that happened that day. Knowing that a family mealtime is a safe place to share joys and disappointments is comforting. This can start from very young – if parents start including their one-year-old in conversations every day, they are more likely to bring up a teenager who knows how to talk openly about their day. Make it a game of thinking of things that were good and bad, happy and sad, or fun and challenging that day. By encouraging your child to talk about a hard thing that happened that day, you can bring in words that help them show feelings. For example: “You must have been disappointed when Sally didn’t let you join the game” or “I bet you were frustrated when it was raining and you couldn’t play football outside.”
- Take advantage of your child stalling at bedtime. Sometimes, just after stories are read and the bedtime routine is over, children may relish a bit of staying up time and a relaxed chat about their day.